Sports Blog Tools: The Imaginary Discussion
Sports Blogging is an arduous “profession”. Having an opinion about every little thing in sports is difficult, because there are bound to be many big stories that you just don’t care about, particularly if they are beaten into the ground so much that the subject has been covered entirely, like steroids. Some sports blogs are also team-based, meaning that during offseasons and bye weeks, there is a lot of dead air time. To fill space and make it seem like they are creative, some sports bloggers turn to The Imaginary Discussion.
The Imaginary Discussion, first popularized by The Dugout and later used to great effectiveness by Kissing Suzy Kolber, is essentially a dialogue written about two or more sports figures that the writer has never met and will never talk to that exaggerates certain pieces of their personality as determined by things that we do know about them. For instance, this take on Will Demps and Travis Johnson as written by DGDB&D.
The Imaginary Conversation often fits into a few stereotypes. There often is at least one “normal character”, who is used to showcase how crazy the other character(s) are or to allow the writer a voice in the situation. In the case of my example piece, this would be Kevin Bentley. The other characters often have completely exaggerated characteristics which are used to prove that the writer has advanced knowledge of how gangstas act because he watched Bad Boys eight times. Although it is not the only type of character created, the gangsta (I am enjoying how this does not even draw a red flag from my Firefox Auto Correct) character is the most common because most athletes are black, most big stories in sports are about these athletes being arrested for drugs or gun-related crimes (mostly in the NFL), and there has never been a sports blogger who was not white. I know that there is someone named “Dashiell Bennett” on Deadspin now, and that kind of sounds like he’d be black. Believe me, there has never been a non-white sports blogger.
These exaggerated characters are often created because the majority of sports bloggers are repressed and live boring lives that make them pine to create something that they would be excited to live or be involved in, or the same reason that Grand Theft Auto exists [Citation needed]. Other staple racist stereotypical characters include the Asian guy who smiles and says “rike” (Hines Ward on Kissing Suzy Kolber), and the Hispanic guy who speaks little English and slurs his words to create unintentional hilarity (Jose Reyes in The Dugout). Sample confrontations include insane character versus the cops, insane character versus coach, and insane character vs. insane character while reasonable character tries to talk sense into both of them.
Most Imaginary Discussions become long-running series, due to the scarcity of players on most teams that have a discernible character flaw that would allow them to function as the insane character. Some bloggers are gifted with someone like Pacman Jones to work with, but most have to deal with Will Demps or someone that would be even more of a stretch to put into the insane role.
The future of The Imaginary Discussion is an open road. Obviously, like all sports blog tools, it will one day expand to include pictures of hot chicks, as half of the internet is about pictures of hot chicks. The next renaissance for the subject will probably come with more abstract and developed characters, which, much like Scrubs, will leave us wondering “who was supposed to be the funny one?” Below is a rendition of what I think it might look like if done with outfielders of the 2003 Cincinnati Reds.
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Adam Dunn: HEY GUYS WHO AMONGST YOU IS EXCITED TO HIT FREE AGENCY? I AM GOING TO HIT 40 HOMERS IN MANY YEARS AND SHOULD BE GIVEN A FAIRLY LARGE CONTRACT AT THAT TIME.
Austin Kearns: You really shouldn’t say such things Adam! What if the Front Office thinks you are too greedy and unfocused on sports and trades you to some nowhere franchise that is never competitive? God, that would suck.
Adam Dunn: WE ARE MEMBERS OF THE CINCINNATI REDS.
Austin Kearns: Oh yeah. Haha.
Ruben Mateo Hey guys I’m Ruben Mateo and I 
Adam Dunn: WOWZA!
Austin Kearns: That’s not even hot, come on. There isn’t any nudity, and you can’t even see their bodies! I say this because as an athlete I could easily sleep with any hot woman I wanted. What do you think I am, some regular blogger who uses the internet and surfs porn sites?
Ruben Mateo: EES SO REEEEEL.
Dernell Stenson: Hey guys who wants to go to Arizona with me?
Adam Dunn: NO THANK YOU BAT BOY. JEEZ, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS LIKE YOU ARE AN ACTUAL BASEBALL PLAYER. I BET IF YOU DIED, NOBODY WOULD EVEN KNOW WHO YOU WERE.
*Awkward Pause*
Dernell Stenson: I am an actual 
Adam Dunn: *whistles*
Ruben Mateo: Hey real quick guys can someone teach me to play baseball so I don’t end up being used as the anonymous guy who everyone has to Google in a Sports Blog some day.
Austin Kearns: No way, you’re at like 33% accuracy on your ability to act like a hispanic guy. Plus now me and Adam are busy helping Dernell become the black character in an Imaginary Discussion post.
Adam Dunn: SAY IT.
Dernell Stenson: Ni gga. Nigga. Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga
Adam Dunn: NOW DRIVE TO ARIZONA AND KEEP SAYING IT THE WHOLE WAY. NOTHING BAD CAN COME OF THIS.
[...] As far as the poor people who find their chronicling skills sadly underutilized now that they’ve realized that nobody wants to read instant reaction on the game, might I suggest The Imaginary Discussion? [...]
Sports Blog Tools: Liveblogs « From Mom’s Basement said this on 2009/03/04 at 10:12 am |
oh i want to bang the chicks in the second picture