Howie Long will be in every commercial in America by 2013
Auto Insurance? Are you fucking shitting me? Look namby boy, I know you’re on a roof and I’m sure that makes you feel like a real man, but if the commercial hadn’t cut you off from the torso down, we’d all see the little elastic bands that you requested to keep you from falling and knocking your training bra out of place.
Real men don’t need auto insurance, because real men CAUSE accidents, they don’t get into them. Bareback that shit just like I did with your wives and significant others last night. I once wrecked Terry Bradshaw’s Thunderbird on purpose, to get him back for interrupting me in the middle of too many of my points. Why did you think he became a stuttering wreck? Why did you think Pro Football Talk reported he was dead? He’s just lucky I like watching his bald ass squirm.
Now this is more fucking like it. You see this, roofer pussies? This is how you drive a fucking automobile. If you can’t drive blindfolded, then how the fuck are you supposed to defend our planet from the terrible shit you see on TV these days? You think Luke would’ve been able to go on and kill Darth Vader if he didn’t practice blindfolded? Fuck no he wouldn’t have. You think I was able to go on Mad TV without driving blindfolded a few times? Of course not, you faggot. Have you ever seen the fucking Swan Lady without makeup? Good fucking god.
Unfortunately it’s not all good things for you Enterprise. First of all, you shouldn’t even exist because, as I pointed out earlier, real men do not cause accidents. Your company’s existence is based on a set of circumstances that means that the majority of your dealings are with cuckolded husbands that I let Jimmy Johnson sodomize last night. How about if you just go ahead and dissolve your piece of shit company and give all the money to a real American company, like General Motors. We can use it to pay me more money and make sure you see me five times a break instead of two. I’m just looking out for fucking America. If there’s one thing it needs, its less of you little vaginas wrecking your Subaru’s and then driving around in a fucking hoss like the Silverado and not appreciating it.
Techno twins huh? You know what your first fucking mistake was, besides that fucking mushroom haircut? Spending your AMERICAN DOLLARS in EUROPE. The only reason to go to Europe is so that Hanz and Franz there can show you their little sex clubs and make you wear a black leather thong while you try to repress that “Getting Jiggy With It” is playing in the background that time when I was sixteen.
No, real men go to American attractions like the goddamn Space Needle. Too big for you, Beavis? How about the motherfucking Statue of Liberty? How about anywhere besides your communal dorm room shower at eleven-thirty because you’re scared of getting towel-slapped or dropping the soap? Hell, how about you drive to your local Chevy Dealership and we write you some financing that grows your balls 4 inches wider? You’ve got no one but yourself to blame for this one, get your ass back to a real country and there might be hope for it yet. Maybe I’ll let you watch me plow all your sororities while you take notes.
Okay, first of all, learn to put your fucking videos on the internet you limp-dicked Home Improvement wannabes. Secondly, why in the hell are you so damn afraid of admitting you bought a goddamn lamp at lunch? You’re a woman! That is basically your only purpose in life! Accepting my seed, and buying stupid frilly shit that the Eurofag up there would probably love and trying to emasculate me with it. Then, I rape you in the parking lot, break it and tell you I’m going out to the strip club, and the process starts all over again.
Thirdly, Lowes, you carry yourself a little too fucking high. You think anyone is going to take off their 9-5 job and go visit you at motherfucking lunch? Any real American is busy test-driving the Avalanche and bulldozing warehouses with it’s enormous grill. It’s a little like Grand Theft Auto, except that cops know better than to try to fuck with a V8 that also has it’s own camera in the rear. Can’t shoot my shit out when I’ve deployed my optional James Bond tacks and send you spinning out of control, and that is without even getting into how the three piece cover cargo is BULLETPROOF. 99% of the increase in crime is because of the fact that nobody can fuck with the Avalanche.
Oh, I guess there should be some basketball on this network too. You’re looking for that, right? Pansy. Football is the only real sport in America. I excommunicated my son when he started “pitching” for a “baseball team”. The fuck is that all about? He might as well have just came out of the closet instead of trying to hide it in a sport that you don’t even need steroids to be good at.
Yeah you would be rooting for Syracuse, sissy boy. Real men don’t even pick higher seeds in their brackets. I’m gonna go repossess your HDTV. You don’t need that shit, you need a fucking TRUCK.
